There are elements in my past story of being that you may resonate to. I offer it as perhaps a new awareness or perspective might be helpful as stuff comes up in your own adventure of life.
I am 63 years old now. Only in the last 17 or so years have I been
able to view and experience life differently from the first 36 years.
None of my story was about the ability to enjoy life for myself. Physical pain was often daily starting in my early teens. By my early 20's cascades of unexplained symptoms and conditions were present and piling up. So too in the world around me. People needed help, the world was hostile and futile was the feeling with occasional happy places. I was an unaware suffering survivor. Love and joy and fun and were nothing more than concepts on a physical level. I could access plenty in my mind but that was my mind only. There was always a negative to any positive to keep balance.
Physically I was a unsolved puzzle to Western doctors and belief systems. I was going to the cutting edge of medicine. My conditions and diagnosis's were various. Many were unexplained. Finally I was diagnosed as a Universal Reactor. My body reacted allergically to everything even water swelling 2 inches when consumed. Long life did not seem reachable and by my 20's my internal sense of self was that I was dying was growing stronger.By age 22 when my new husband mentioned us sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch in our 80's helped me realize that I had no sense of this for myself.
I am an empath and channel. Since my teens my metaphysical and intuitive abilities operated with all the clairs of seeing, knowing etc. going strong.
None of my story was about the ability to enjoy life for myself. Physical pain was often daily starting in my early teens. By my early 20's cascades of unexplained symptoms and conditions were present and piling up. So too in the world around me. People needed help, the world was hostile and futile was the feeling with occasional happy places. I was an unaware suffering survivor. Love and joy and fun and were nothing more than concepts on a physical level. I could access plenty in my mind but that was my mind only. There was always a negative to any positive to keep balance.
Physically I was a unsolved puzzle to Western doctors and belief systems. I was going to the cutting edge of medicine. My conditions and diagnosis's were various. Many were unexplained. Finally I was diagnosed as a Universal Reactor. My body reacted allergically to everything even water swelling 2 inches when consumed. Long life did not seem reachable and by my 20's my internal sense of self was that I was dying was growing stronger.By age 22 when my new husband mentioned us sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch in our 80's helped me realize that I had no sense of this for myself.
I am an empath and channel. Since my teens my metaphysical and intuitive abilities operated with all the clairs of seeing, knowing etc. going strong.
By my adult life my gifts of awareness did not
feel like gifts but wounds. They did not enrich my life, they could not save me
from what I was feeling and knowing. Being able to channel and have a bigger
vision of the world beyond the physical did not make me feel better, but,
actually worse.
Being an empath held me ill and in a tenuous relationship to people. I felt everybody's stuff. Clothes shopping was hell when I went into dressing rooms and grocery stores. Sometimes the energy in women's dressing rooms was so off putting and physically so stressful I would have to leave before trying on any clothing. Clothes left hanging in the dressing room reflected unhappy thoughts in the angled mirrors polluting the space.
I was able to validate my suffering as part of being a healer and that to suffer was okay as long as I could remove others pain. My hands were powerful in moving energy. Being able to track and see others' aches and pains and their wounded healer patterns wasn't fun. Along the way I decided it was okay to be a martyr if I was serving. (Never doubt our ability to rationalize and reason anything.)
Being an empath held me ill and in a tenuous relationship to people. I felt everybody's stuff. Clothes shopping was hell when I went into dressing rooms and grocery stores. Sometimes the energy in women's dressing rooms was so off putting and physically so stressful I would have to leave before trying on any clothing. Clothes left hanging in the dressing room reflected unhappy thoughts in the angled mirrors polluting the space.
I was able to validate my suffering as part of being a healer and that to suffer was okay as long as I could remove others pain. My hands were powerful in moving energy. Being able to track and see others' aches and pains and their wounded healer patterns wasn't fun. Along the way I decided it was okay to be a martyr if I was serving. (Never doubt our ability to rationalize and reason anything.)
When I was 25 or so I had heard a young Deepak Chopra speak and mention that cells live and die all the time. If you can change the nature of the individual cell when it replaces itself health changes. It took me into my late 40's to figure out how that could happen and feel it real and become my truth.
It was only when I got into the emerging field of Consciousness Technologies did my story of pain and death patterns start to change. I came to realize with the help of some leading edge thinkers that I had created this world I was living in and that if I changed how I thought I was in my world, I could change my body and world.
I changed how I held awareness as me. I engaged my intuitive senses to become aware of my energies in the duality in my language dance of light/dark, good/evil, positive/negative that I was engaged in and what a trap in thinking it was creating. Only then did change happened.
I came to appreciate how knowledge and frameworks in modalities may be well intended but can be crushing in application. I was able to change my mind about how those before me and around me might accept what appears as reality without question. In not accepting the limits I began to think and feel different. I was able to change the reality state that my cells were in, the mindset of beliefs controlling the health of my cells. They exist now in a reality state of Free to Live.
My past story is just that, in my past. My present box in being is no longer a jail or coffin but a place to explore life from.
I just had to be willing to change my mind. To not fear what I found inside of myself but appreciate how the wound really is the gift as Gregg Braden said so many years ago. Wisdom abounds and delights when it is engaged.
Janet Barrett
Life in the Beyond/Journeys Into Enlightenment
janetb@janetandbeyond.com
www.janetandbeyond.com
